Every day I am married to you is the most stressful day of my life
When I first started this blog, I embarked on a journey to cut sugar and other carbs out of my diet. I was doing well until I started teaching for the Spring semester. Teaching takes a lot of energy and pulled a lot of my focus away from my dieting. I wish that teaching was the only thing I had to deal with. The past year has been a hard roller coaster.
As I started preparing for the college English class I teach, my kids also returned to school. I’m pretty sure that I never mentioned this before, but this was a really rough school year for my kids. My first grade son was having a hard time focusing in class, which caused him to not get much done in the classroom, which caused us to spend hours working on homework at home. I never had problems getting him to finish the school work, but it took SO MUCH time. My fourth grade daughter was struggling, too. She wasn’t getting her homework done, and she was making a lot of careless mistakes. She would procrastinate on homework, so when I wasn’t working with her brother, I was pushing her to finish her work. That would make her go to bed late, and it would be hard for her to get up in the morning. Every morning seemed to involved frustration and some yelling just to get everyone out the door. Basically, I was starting the mornings stressed out and spending the afternoons stressed out. During the days that I taught, I was rushing to get everything put together. On my days off I was trying to get all the stuff done that I couldn’t do at night. Needless to say, my eating plan was the last thing that I could focus on.
I read an article in the past six months that said that willpower takes energy, and we really only have the ability to focus on one or two big goals at a time. For me, I was trying to do well at teaching and help my kids out at the same time. And the situation with my kids took a lot of energy. At one point, we did a full evaluation on my son, and I spent a lot of time talking to the school occupational therapist, speech pathologist, learning specialist, and counselor. We had a “spirited” meeting about the course of action that we were going to take for my son. I was not crazy about what they wanted to do with him, so I was spending a lot of time researching options and visiting different schools. Finally, I decided to homeschool him. I pulled his sister out of school, too, who was not having as hard of a time, but she was still struggling. Did I mention that I am the office manager for the family business?
Juggling. That’s what I was doing. I had a lot of balls in the air. I was disappointed when I gained back my weight. I knew why, too. When I was stressed, I would absentmindedly eat the treats at the office. I work between a Starbucks and an Einstein Bagels. I would go and eat terrible, sugary foods for breakfast and lunch. I did it without thinking. So much was on my mind.
I was grateful for the summer. I thought it had to get easier. It turns out that my son had ADHD. When I was talking to the clinical psychologist, and she described the types of ADHD, I realized that my daughter has the non-hyper kind. And so does my husband–he was just never diagnosed. Now, instead of studying for my class, I have been studying up on ADHD, which is hereditary. If one spouse has it, the children have a 50% chance of getting it. If both spouses have it, the chance is 100%. I have been living with it all 16 years that I have been married. I just thought my husband was disorganized, so I would pick up the slack. That is why I always feel that it falls on my shoulders to accomplish things. That is why I am the office manager for the business, and when I’m not present, things fall apart. That is why I spend a huge amount of time looking for my husband’s keys, my daughter’s shoes, my husband’s wallet, my daughter’s school papers. That is why I don’t have enough time left over to concentrate on my own self.
All of my focus, my energy, my willpower is depleted by the end of the day. At least I know what I’m dealing with now. I feel like I am at the bottom of a mountain, but the only way to go from here is up. I have to find a way to lose weight, but how? That is what I need to figure out next.